May 12, 2001

  • i just don't know what is coming over me


    ...i'm feeling like i want to sleep, sleep, sleep a thousand years.  Just rest and forget and do nothing.  call it lazy, i call it something i haven't felt for many, many years.  it feels like my mind, my acuity, my sharpness is fuzzing away.  and it is of no concern to me.  or almost no concern. i know what i'm saying probably sounds commonplace and typical for most people; but the enjoyment of rest, the yearning for sleep, the dissing of the active mind is just so strange to me...and now all so compelling.  i feel like the dreamworld is calling me, my dreamside recalling me.  i've been away too long and missed too much...now sweet rest must balance the mania.  i kinda had this inkling when we were working together the other day--i really fantasized just collapsing in a heap, letting you do the work, and having you nudge me out of the office after completing the job.  that fantasy, that thought seemed at the time so outrageous, so demented and i fought it internally, with the fight itself exhausting me, and i struggled on bravely but with energy diminished.  now i think i understand that i was coming down to this: relearning how to surrender to that rich pleasurable laziness called rest. remembering how to open myself to the amazing pleasure dome called dreams.  discovering again how to dream other dreams and better ones.

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