March 13, 2002

  • Nice try, Tom Ridge (Homeland Security Chief), but your first attempt at creating a color-coded U.S. threat advisory system to provide “a national framework and a common vocabulary” to deal  more effectively with the threat of terrorism is, in my opinion, a bureaucratic flop and deceit.


     



     


    First, we’re pegged at *Yellow* or *Elevated* risk right now.  Until Terrorist War I is won, who expects the risk to be lowered?  Nope, we start at *Yellow* and only go up.  By the time that a *Blue* (Guarded) or *Green* (Low) risk is appropriate, nobody will give a rat's ass about this proposed advisory system anymore.


     


    Second, officials have said that the public will not always be informed when the threat level changes.  What the fuck?!  The rationale for not always informing the public includes the speculation that while sometimes making a threat level public could deter terrorists, at other times, a heightening of the threat level could tip terrorists off that they are under surveillance.  Nice fucking-public service Jack-bureaucrat.  In other words, disinforming the public will be considered a potential tactic for providing the terrorists with false confidence about their self-perceived covertness.  So Tom (the Ridge) Homeland could be flashing us a go-ahead caution (Elevated) light when we should be stopping at a red light (Severe).  Of course, the terrorists, not seeing a stop light either, proceed through the intersection and collide with the rest of us scampering cautiously through. 


     


    Third, while the colors are sublimely suggestive of severity due to their consistency with our traffic regulation system (red=stop, yellow=caution, green=go), the accompanying terminology is unrichly insipid and unsuggestive of an appropriate response.


     


    But since this plan is open to public comment for 45 days prior to its finalization, here’s my alternative: The Peep’s Alert Plan


     



     


    Legend:


     


    Red:  not *What The Fuck?* but alternatively *World Trade Fuckup* (again) or, more proactively, *World Terrorist Fucking*


    Orange: not *Shit Outta Luck* but *Snuff Out the Losers* (terrorists)


    Yellow: not *Son Of a Bitch* but *Send Our Bombs*


    Blue: not *Cut The Crap* but *Could Take Centuries*


    Green: not *Rolling On the Floor Laughing* but *Remember Our Forfeited Liberties*


     


    So, to which do you better relate?


     


    ...update: for more of this, slip-on over to seanmeister's 

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