January 14, 2002

  • Pretzels—the New Anthrax?


     


    I can envision it now…terrorists reading that the President nearly died of pretzel “poisoning” and inundating the Congress, the Supreme Court, and national news agency with pouches of huge jagged anonymous pretzels.


     


    What’s ironic is that the pretzel historically had a kindly and benevolent origin—good monks making little snacks for wee kiddies:


     


    everyone has a pedigree – even the pretzel, the world's oldest snack food.  In fact, you can follow the twists and turns as early as 610 AD at a monastery in Southern France or Northern Italy where monks used scraps of dough and formed them into strips to represent a child's arms folded in prayer. The three holes represented the Christian Trinity. 


     


    The monks soft-baked and offered the warm, doughy bribe to children who had memorized their Bible verses and prayers. The monks called it a Pretiola...  (from Sturgis Pretzel history)


     


     


    “Ha!  The President nearly dying on the symbol of the Infidel’s unholyTrident!  How apropros! ” snickers Osama from his submarine sanctuary beneath the Artic icecap (well, no one seems to know where Osama really is, so my speculation remains as sound as any.)


     


    Actually, the President’s fainting spell was probably not caused directly by the pretzel itself but from the excessive coughing that was induced while choking on the throat-lodged treat.  Excessive coughing is sometimes known to overstimulate (hehe) the Vagus nerve which in turn leads to blood vessel dilations, consequent dizziness, and fainting.  So the fainting was probably really an autonomic vasovagal  response…


     


     


    No, no!  Not a Vargas response—damnit—that’s vasoconstriction—the Clinton Presidency!!


     


    Anyway,  the President maintains that he must have only passed out for moments or mere minutes since when he revived his dogs were still in the same place he left them—unmoved.  Nice fricking dogs! The President is potentially choking to death and his dogs, couched out like potatoes, look unresponsively and leisurely on.  Time to get a St. Bernard, George.  Or a least a mutt who will come up and lick your face when you’re down!


     


    But wait…omg…there is a conspiracy here…


     


    Some of you may remember when I almost died choking on rice, though most people who die choking typically do so on bones, here’s the Prez nearly dying on a pretzel...  and once again historically we see:


    The pretzel even showed up at Royal weddings. It's speculated that the term “Tying the Knot” originated in Switzerland in 1614 when Royal couples wished for happiness with a pretzel forming the nuptial knot – much like we use a wishbone today.   (from Sturgis Pretzel history)


    Weddings—bone wishing, rice tossing, pretzel gripping—“Tying the Knot”


    Ack!


    (Freudian translation: choking while *Tying the Noose*)


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