February 18, 2003

  • What if...the U.S. went to sleep and never woke up...


    CNN—Washington  Two days after declaring that it would win any nuclear conflict with the U.S. thanks to Pyongyang's "army-first" political system, North Korea, indeed, proved apparently victorious by launching an undetected preemptive nuclear strike on the East Coast of the United States.  Pointing to the fallout of “nuclear winter” that has beset and besieged the entire coastline and shutdown all activity in Washington D.C. for two days in a row, Kim Jong II declared that the dialectical alliance of ‘Old Man Winter’ with the communist vanguard is a testimony to superior, humane North Korean weapons technology that can instill “nuclear winter” without catastrophic detonations or any detectable radioactive waste.  No word from Washington yet, though it has been reported that the President’s dog is peeing on the Lincoln Room carpet rather than venturing even a single  treacherous step out into Pyongyang’s brave new fluffy world.


    AP Wire News  In a stunning long-awaited conclusion, Saddam (Joe Camel) Billionaire revealed on primetime international television last night that he really doesn’t have “billions of dollars” or “tons of weapons of mass destruction” but that it was all a white lie that he—(and a TV news producer)—fomented just to see if the world would really love him for “who I am”—a Baghdad bookie—and not for what he purportedly “had” or “has”.  French President Jacques Chirac, while initially pouting with sullen disbelief, rebounded quickly and smilingly to welcome Saddam into the Brotherhood of Nations.  Furthermore, Chirac presented Saddam with token offerings of a cheque for $1 million dollars and a million gallons of VX nerve gas disguised as bottles of Perrier just so “he wouldn’t feel left out as a real world player” on account of his previously secretive, but now revealed, staturely-challenged celebrity status.  Opportunistic offers of political marriage to Saddam are now pouring in to Fox TV (what do they have to do with this?), and even German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder is admitting that he has long harbored delusional fantasies of “going down” with Saddam “anywhere, anytime”.

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