“This is 9-1-1, may I help you?”
“I need a bambulance.”
“Sir, did you say you need an ambulance?”
“Damn right I’m in a motherfucking phone booth and I need a bambulance.”
”Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“Well, let me tell you.  I was just driving down the road minding my own motherfuckin business when a terrorist jumped out right in front of my car and screamin and I hit em.  This motherfuckin terrorist jumped out right in front of my car and I hit em and checked to see if he was dead. He was dead OK so I picked him up and put him in the back seat of my car and kept on driving.  But the motherfuckin terrorist woke up and bit me on the neck.  He bit me on the neck and started kicking and dented up my whole car and kicked me in the head.  And I need a bambulance now!
“Sir, are you hurt?”
“Damn right I’m hurt.  The motherfuckin terrorist bit me on the neck!”
“OK, sir, where are you currently situated?”
“I’m in a motherfuckin phone booth.  I’m in a motherfuckin phone booth outside a Stop-n-Go.”
”Well sir, we don’t have any ambulances to dispatch at the moment.  There’s been a general outbreak of terrorists leaping in front of cars, we’re completely swamped with calls, and no response units are currently available.”
“But I need a goddam bambulance—what am I gonna do?”
”Sir, we advise that you go into the Stop-n-Shop and purchase some duct tape and plastic sheeting.  Or if they don’t have plastic sheeting, Saran Wrap.”
“Duck tape?  I wasn’t bit by no motherfuckin duck—I was bit by a terrorist.  What am I going to do with duck tape?”
”Sir, we are advising citizens under attack to wrap themselves in the plastic and seal it all up airtight with the duct tape.”
”Motherfuckin what?  That’s a body bag!  You want me to seal myself inside an airtight body bag? “
“That’s correct, sir.”
“What the motherfuckin for?”
“Sir, so that when we do finally respond and recover your body, our medics will be at no risk from handling your contaminated corpse.”
“That’s motherfuckin insane—just send the goddam bambulance—now!

Did you know…

Blue duct tape works better against chemical attacks.  While yellow duct tape is optimized for biological attacks.  Double-sealing with both blue and yellow tape achieves two-prong protection!

Did you realize…

That plastic sheeting is manufactured from petroleum and urging the public to mass-purchase it further increase our dependence on foreign oil!

Have you wondered…

Why the government hasn’t produced a short instructional film on how to deploy plastic sheeting and duct tape?  (It would be so pathetic, we’d all laugh!)

How you can breathe without eventual suffocation inside a perfectly-sealed, duct-taped, plastic-lined room?  And if it isn’t perfectly-sealed, but allows for air intake, what good is it since chemical and biological agents will enter with the air?

Would you buy…

A 10’ by 10’ by 7’ high giant durable plastic cube that could be entered and sealed airtight from within?  And how many friend and family members would you invite in, in an emergency?  And what’s going to happen when someone has to take a serious shit?  (I can see the headlines now: “Terrorist Chemical Bomb Duds Out, But Plastic Cube-sealed Family Suffocates In Self-produced Flatulent Toxins.”

Can’t you just hear it now…

1st observer: “Terrorist: incoming!”
2nd observer: “Duct!”