Blogger runs self to death in cemetery
In what can only be described as a most bizarre incident, a jogger/blogger apparently embraced the death faerie today by streaking in 92-95 F heat through the rugged hilly terrain of a popular local cemetery to the utter conclusion of a mortal collapse. notforprophet, known to some as nfp, seemingly first lost all sensibility as he stripped to the buff strewing his running shirt, shoes, socks, and trunks throughout Lakeview Cemetery and then lost his life running full speed smack into a headstone designated “Beers” while apparently attempting to impress a strolling, passerby beauty queen out on her constitutional.
“It was tragic,” said Pixie Wingwood, who just happened to witness nfp’s final missteps upon this earth, “He had it all going for him: a good, quick gate, deep breaths, and everything swinging in buff rhythm. But when he looked up surprised and saw me smiling at him, I recognized that *transfixed look* in his eyes…faraway…and then like a runaway train, *wham* he went into that barrier at the end of the line.”
Services were held on the spot since it seemed stupid to remove his remains from the cemetery only to bring them back again.
Pixie Wingwood, who was so impressed by nfp’s heroics that she proposed and consummated a common law marriage with him even as he lay in a writhing heap dying, quoted nfp’s cryptic last words as some wholly incomprehensible gibberish, most likely not even English, along the lines of: “an whar are dose fuqin eprops whenya really needem?”
The dreadful L.F. (“Look Fast”) Beers headstone, site of nfp’s undoing. While some say it was his abrupt attention to the coincidental appearance of Ms. Pixie that distracted him into a mortal colliding slip-up, others who knew him claim they believe it was actually the effects of the unbearable heat on that fateful day that created a mirage of “Brewmeister Heaven” towards which he deliriously sprinted for a purely imagined finish line of quenching refreshments.
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