July 23, 2001

  • So Much Sucks!


    Superman Sucks!


    Sure he does.  Ask yourself: Has he ever helped you personally?  Hell no.  He’s all about show.  And glamour.  And just taking his cut from the comic sales.  WHERE, AFTER ALL, HAS HE BEEN WHEN IT REALLY MATTERS?  Where was he during all the wars, especially WWII , when western civilization was aching for assistance in battling the Nazis?  Apparently, during such episodes, he anticipated the future Federation’s Prime Directive of Noninterference and sat steel bum on his steel hands! 


    Oh no, you say??  You say he tried to enlist in the service but was turned down for active duty??  In his defense, you claim he COULDN’T pass the physical and got a deferment??  Yes, that’s true—so true.  But do you know how he flunked the physical, hmmm?  Well, he failed the vision test!  And do you know how he failed the vision test?  When the doctor asked him to read the eye chart, he used his x-ray vision to look through the wall to another doctor’s office and read that eye chart which was a different chart and so he flunked the exam!  Come on, now!  Don’t tell me he didn’t know his x-ray vision had kicked in!  Either he was a total idiot or the sneakiest little self-lying conscientious objector weasel to ever slither away from combat!


    The Marlboro Man Sucks!


    Philip Morris has released a study conducted last November in which it claims that the Czech government is actually saving money (about $30 million dollars annually) in health care, pension, and public housing costs through the early death of smokers.  In other words, Philip Morris is touting the fact that getting old people to die younger by smoking has a positive budget impact for governments.  What looming Social Security problem??  Philip Morris has found the solution to the bankruptcy of the Social Security fund in 20 years: mandatory smoking by pre-retirees!!  They want you to suck…suck…suck..and...


    You Suck!


    Well, not actually you as you, but you as assessed by the Personality Disorder Test that is raging around on a lot of xangeroos' sites the past couple days.  I bet all of you have seen the results, looking something like this:






































    Disorder Rating
    Paranoid: Very High
    Schizoid: High
    Schizotypal: Very High
    Antisocial: High
    Borderline: Very High
    Histrionic: Very High
    Narcissistic: Very High
    Avoidant: Very High
    Dependent: Very High
    Obsessive-Compulsive: High

    -- Click Here To Take The Test --


    Though fun, this is a very, very bad test.  Answering *yes* to everything insures all high marks while answering *no* to everything assures equally uniform low marks.  No assessment test worth anything would ever allow such patterned responses to result in such predictably consistent results.   Hell, you might just answer *no* to everything because you are the most compulsive nay-sayer alive and, guess what?  Your obsessive-compulsive rating outcome (along with all the other categories) would be LOW! 


    Finally...


    I suck. 


    Of course!  Look at my score on Disorders above!  LOL!  But wait...what I really mean is that I love to use straws much more than ordinary folks.  I guess it was a fascination I developed as a child while drinking chocolate milk in grade school—and it st’uck (contraction for still suck(s)) !  Now I drink anything I can through straws—hot coffee, beer out of a can, wine, soup—you name it! 



    And there are play straws, too: bathtub straws, and pea-shooting straws, and even bedroom straws (oh yeah, they really suck!) Either I’m preparing for space life and zero gravity where everything gets sucked or a distant old age when not having any teeth sucks!




     Now be honest and 'fess up:


    This post


    A) Really sucked.
    B) Tried to suck and made a sucking sound.
    C) Didn't suck enough.



    Thank you and enjoy Mr. Potato Head.

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