January 9, 2002

  • Although I’m not a cigarette smoker, I’m something of a credentialed statistician (meaning that I know my age in seconds, my mass in calories, and the precise number of teeth in my zipper ) and consider the Canadian Cancer Society’s recent study concerning the effectiveness of highly graphical warning labels on cigarette packages designed to discourage the smoking of cigarettes in Canada deeply meaningful.



    Findings:
    · 58% of smokers said the graphical portrayals of mouth, lung, brain, and heart disease made them reflect more on health effects.
    · 44% said the new warnings improved their motivation to quit smoking.
    · 21% of smokers said they decided on at least one occasion not to smoke because of the warnings.
    · 27% said they smoked less in the home because of the warnings.


    So successful has this Canadian legislative strategy proven that it is just a matter of time before it is adopted worldwide.  Brazil is kicking the program off at the end of this month, the EU (European Union) is making a similar program optional, and the World Health Organization (WHO) is considering incorporating graphic pictorial warnings as a part of an international treaty regulating tobacco trade and sales.   In the US, the issue hasn’t yet been put before Congress, but given the success in Canada it would be bizarre if similar legislation is not considered soon.


    But I think we can do better than the Canadians.  Why stop at graphical depictions when we can compel taunting name changes too?  So Marlboro Lights would be obliged to relabel their cigarettes as Charbroiled Lungs, Kool forced to rename their death wraps as Coal, Lucky Strikes would be mandated to become Yucky Strokes, and Camels would, of course, become Chemos.



    But why stop with cigarettes?  There are many product lines that are equally deserving of similar rebuke.   So beer bottles could be made to portray pictures of morbid males with bellies about to burst,  handgun manufacturers could be required to only sell handguns with unremovable white grips that appear to be splattered and stained with indelible blood, and car radio receivers could be rigged to turn on (if off) and interrupt broadcasts on all channels with explicit imagery of nationwide deaths and violent accidents on the roads as they happen : “This is a Nationwide Accident Update: In L.A. just moments ago, a baby’s head burst against the windshield as her careless mother slammed on the brakes to avoid hitting a stray dog.”   The station then returns to resume the interrupted rendition of Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York” , but before it finishes…  “This is a Nationwide Accident Update: A woman’s arm appears to have been torn off in a two car wreck with another driver who himself appears to be slumped behind the wheel in apparent cardiac arrest.”


    Now if they could only label illegal drugs like marijuana with a warning such as “Hallucinations incurred can permanently delete your sense of reality and/or sanity.”  would we not all be better off yet?

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