July 31, 2001

  • Okay, I admit: you Xanga girls have got me going today.  As in, turned on.  As in, hopelessly obsessed.  So now I must face the Beast (self) and turn to the subject of Breasts.


    It all started this morning with Deviant and her eloquent lambaste against Victoria’s (Secret) Shame.  Well, I’m a mature adult and I can follow a powerfully lucid assault against a marketing injustice that slights a particular segment of women (large-breasted) without getting sexually excited, right?  You’d think!  But even though I read the whole thing through and felt it was a top blog, I passed on leaving a comment or even a prop.  Coward you say?  No, no, I was just getting going.  Tempestuously telescoping and unavailable to comment (i.e., quite probably thinking at that time with some other organ). But I intended and have, indeed, already returned to comment.  Yet first…


    I stopped at Lyssa’s Question of the Day where she asked:  What was your favorite toy as a child?


    And I replied quite innocently and spontaneously:


    I used to play late at night with my older sister's friends' spare bras when they'd sleep-over.  Could that be considered a toy?
    Otherwise, water balloons!!!
    Funny, how I always imagined water balloons felt like breasts!


    Do you see where I was going?  I didn’t at the time , but I wasn’t quite yet done…


    I next stopped at Erin_Go_Braless’s blog (wow, what a coincidence!)  which I first mistyped as Erin_Go_Go_Braless (hello, Dr. Freud!) even as I heard myself whisper in my mind to myself *Erin_Come_Braless*  which I was seriously equating with TOPLESS!  Not quite the same, huh??


    There I got hit with:   …I’m going to have one more lover in my lifetime and I will fall in love with him.  So…how long is this gonna take?  And who’s the lucky man?!?!


    At this point, I’m was gushing with hormones and replied:


    If this is a lottery, I'm going to buy ALL the tickets!
    How long is it going to take?  Well, we'll have all night, won't we??!!


    Yes, notforprophet lost it at that point.  His entire intellect squandered with a rush to passion!


    But I’m back now to recompense.   Having regathered my thoughts like pick-up-stix, I feel, just maybe, I can yet contribute meaningfully to the common dialog.  So here goes:


    Bras are essentially an exoskeleton like a turtle’s shell or a Nautilus’ conch which provide shelter, support, and protection to the creatures residing therein.  Blame the Earth and its hideous gravity for the need for bras because in weightless space breasts would stay as you put them—pushed up, pointed down, squished in, however!—weightlessness is the perfect braless medium!


    And, yes, the symbol of patriarchal oppression so righteously burned in the 60's was, in fact, invented by a man.  Henry S. Lesher patented this device


     
    in 1859 (even though 3rd century Roman art depicts two bra-modeling girls whom I just saw down at the beach yesterday !!):



    Now, girls, if you want a really huge bra, according to sexualrecords.com,  you should contact Parisa by Amir of Van Nuys who constructed the largest bra ever for a lingerie show at the Tropicana Hotel in Las Vegas 1996. The bra measured "approximately eight feet across in a closed position," the company said, "approximately 16.5 feet in an open position and measures approximately four feet high from the bottom to the top of the cup, not including the strap."


    I, for my part, am currently envisioning a new household invention that would mold custom-made disposable bras consisting of a sheer veneer of breathable artificial skin  to a woman’s breasts according to her own easy control panel instructions.  Want just a hint of support?  Input.  More lift?  No problem.  Hunker ‘em down like hostages cause you’re about to run a marathon?  Turn the dial--Got it! 


    The artificial, non-allogenic, para-grafted skin will adhere seamlessly and imperceptibly with your own skin, offering support with the merest of tension, and will be exquisitely comfortable since it will always move with you!  And whenever you want, just peel it off and throw it away.  Hrm…might even make it flavored and edible for a litle bit more fun in the bedroom!


    I WILL redeem myself!  Yes!  Now it’s time to get to work! 

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