December 6, 2001

  • Terrorist bastards.  I’m all for profiling them statistically, weighting responses, and preemptively detaining all probable suspects.  Get the assholes of the street and behind bars, brainwash them if necessary, torture them if convenient, and return life to normalcy for the rest of the peace-loving citizenry.


    As a statistician trained in the construction of surveys, here’s a criteria list I’ve quickly devised to isolate ticking-terrorist timebombs:


    1) Are you a young man between ages 16 and 30 and of Arab descent?


    2) Have you ever actively associated with young men between ages 16 and 30 and of Arab descent?


    3) Do you speak Arabic and/or are familiar with the tenets of Islam?


    4) Have you ever carried a concealed weapon?


    5) Have you ever carried contraband aboard a commercial aircraft?


    6) While upon a commercial aircraft, have you ever visualized it crashing with all loss of life?


    7) Have you conducted such visualizations upon a commercial aircraft recently?


    8) Have you ever constructed an incendiary or explosive device?


    9) Have you ever listened to disembodied voices providing you instructions for living your life?


    10) Are you willing to die in an instant for your beliefs?


    11) Have you ever fled or attempted to flee from an arresting authority?


    12) Were you aware of any of the details of the terrorist activities on board the flights of 9-11 prior to their release as common knowledge in the press?


    13) Have you ever used illegal drugs in conjunction with the induction of a religious vision?


    14) Do you believe you’d make a “good terrorist” if fate inexorably cast you into that vocation?


    15) Have you ever said: “Fuck this country.” or “The United States sucks!” or anything to that effect?


    So how did you do?


    Personally, except for item 1, I must answer *yes* to all of the above.


    For convenience of imminent arriving authority, my handcuff size is 6.  Now I, too, love Big Brother.

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