I really like the movie Braveheart (by Mel Gibson). But it has come to my attention that the central plot device of the movie, the institution of jus primae noctis meaning 'law (or right) of the first night', never really existed as the law of any land. In the movie, this ‘right of first night’ was conceived by the British occupiers of Scotland as a pre-emptive strategy to undermine Scottish rebellion. If the British lords could impregnate Scottish virgins on their wedding night, the thinking went, many of the future first sons of Scotland would have blood loyalties to the British lords, and hence, would be less likely to become seditious.
Of course, in the movie, this grotesquely pre-emptive gambit backfires when Braveheart’s new bride, in protesting this doctrine, dies at the hands of the British lord pursuing it. And Braveheart, in vengeance, then transforms from a pacifist into the premier terrorist that will lead to England’s eventual undoing and Scotland’s independence.
But Braveheart is an old movie—why do I now bring this up? Simply, Bush’s 2002 Doctrine of ‘Preventive War’ has a sinisterly-related logic behind it: invade before the ‘opposition’ has a chance to organize and pose a threat. Then lace the invaded country with ‘democracy’ (impregnate with democracy?!) and make it a moral ally ever-after. And a sinisterly-related outcome: Arab ‘terrorists’ are being born-again in record numbers who otherwise might have been unfriendly but not hostile activists.
I only hope that an Arab counterpart to Braveheart remains unborn. Oops. Too late. Some say it’s Osama.
In the spirit of Abu Ghraib, if/when we capture Osama, should we have Rumsfeld make Osama and Saddam pose in humiliating sex-acts with each other? Sure, that would teach those Arab pricks to fuck with us (or should I say, fuck without us?).
So now Bush (in his speech last night) has offered to raise the Abu Ghraib prison facility. I imaginatively bet there’s a brand new joke going around the Middle East in response to this: “Is that raising it after or before the removal of the remaining inmates?”
It’s a real shame that we are losing the propaganda war in the Middle East. But it doesn’t have to be that way. I think that we could demonstrate to the many doubting Arabs disgruntled by our pretensions of 'prevention' and our propaganda folly that we are, indeed, contrite by posing in compromising sex acts with each other. Yes, personally, as an American, I’m all for that. Any takers?
Okay, that’s too radical. Then why don’t we initiate a new reality TV show called “Tortured” that shows the TV-watching world (and who doesn’t watch except me?) how to make a competitively rewarding game out of submission? Make it out of Abu Ghraib and get a date with a hot babe!
No? Right. So…in a spirit of flowering friendship, why don’t we mass produce and distribute in the Middle East ‘Suicide Bomber Kiddie Training Kits’ that would-be child terrorists can strap-on and release their angst by rehearsing how to …no, no, don’t press that button—that one’s really live…oh shit.
But we have no Exit Strategy! We need an Exit Strategy. So what to do?
Turn to Google for enlightenment, of course.
Let’s play Google War:
hits for…
“Arab capitalism” 28
“Arab socialism” 2890
Oops…let’s put that on the backburner.
“Arab pacifists” 3
“Arab terrorists” 29700
Holy Single Digits, Batgirl!
“Arab democracy” 8750
”Arab monarchy” 555
”Arab dictatorship” 554
”Arab dictatorships” 2780
We got ‘em beat! Democracy it is. But we’ll have to get rid of the terrorists first since:
"Arab terrorists" (29,700) + “Arab socialism" (2890) + “Arab dictatorships" (2780)
(= 35370, henceforth called “the Dark Coalition”)
Is greater than:
“Arab pacifists” (3) + “Arab capitalism” (28) + “Arab democracy" (8750)
(= 8781, henceforth called “the Light Coalition”)
But the “Dark Coalition” – “Arab terrorists” (35370-29700= 5670) < “the Light Coalition” . Victory!!
Hrmmm…I’m frightening myself—I sound like George Bush.
But wait: If we “find Osama” (19000) + “capture Osama” (9830) and add that to the “Light Coalition” (19000 + 9830 + 8781 = 37611) then we can defeat the “Dark Coalition” (35370) without negating the “Arab terrorists” in the funky riddance of Preventive War.
So here’s the Exit Strategy: Go back and capture Osama and then get the hell out of there. Democracy in the Middle East will "find a way" without us like Life did in "Jurrasic Park" (the "Malcolm Doctrine"). Install Osama on a deserted South Sea Island, invite all the terrorists to rescue him, and when they all convene upon the island (offer free airfare) …KAPOW!!!
Ha! Upon reflection, the only thing more frightening than sounding like George Bush is sounding like the Looseness of Doom.
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