January 20, 2004

  • I could not imagine myself ever participating in the likes of an ‘Iowa Caucus’.  It was more than a circus: it was a raucous pretense as the Nemo-Demos postured to rut, strut, and cock us.  I would have preferred that they had shocked us.Tell us that America is absolutely doomed and that they want to be its last President.  Assure me that terrorists will totally stop their terror after Bush is gone because he is all they really, really hate.  Promise to move up Inauguration Day to New Years 2005 because “the killer asteroid is coming” and any later will be too late.  Pledge to give all dead space aliens in U.S. military possession a proper space burial and declare the Summer Solstice “Roswell Day”, a day for far-reaching cosmic reflection.  Devote themselves to making Mickey Mouse ‘glow-in-the-dark’ watches out of all America’s nuclear stockpile.   Scream “Elate, elate, elate!” when asked about the extreme trade imbalance with China.  Author an “Undeclaration of Dependence”, redesign the White House with a total Eskimo motif, make prostitution in D.C. legal ( “all forms of whoring will thus allowed”).  Establish an internet domain by name for every new citizen born (“every child shall have a cribsite!”).  Make Daylight Savings Time obsolete by establishing a project to place Earth in a chonosynchonous orbit where North America will always face the Sun.  Outlaw the depiction of Dead Presidents on currency; instead mandate a ‘blank space’ intended for graffiti.  Hold a currency graffiti contest; winner wins a Senate seat.  Build a “SuperBowl City” in the dead geographic center of America where every playoff for every sport at any level of competition would be required to meet.  Eliminate the fascism of “green cards” by allowing immigrants to select the precise color of card that they prefer.  Enrich the vocabulary by banning all bureaucracies from ever coining any new acronyms or designer words.  Strive for more openness in government by establishing a daily noonday media announcement entitled “Official Secret of the Day”.  Pass a law that prevents TV news organizations from hiring just “pretty people” and requires at least one slot (lead, anchor, weather, sports) filled by someone even uglier than the rest of us. And on…and on…and on….

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