January 9, 2004

  • Mars Space News


     


      Spirit, the Mars’ rover, is apparently inextricably entangled in its own condom-like airbags and currently unable to track the pristine Martian terrain.
      “ If it can’t freely rove the countryside, it will never be able to find the Weapons of Mass Destruction.”, said a joint statement released by the Defense Dept. and NASA.  
      Addressing this issue, President Bush will announce a manned rescue mission to Mars to take the Jaws of Life along to free the valiant Spirit rover.When questioned about his precise rationale for proposing this extraordinary undertaking, Bush was heard to mutter: “No child left behind, er, I mean, Black Hawk down…”


      Europe’s Mars Express Orbiter, meanwhile, is still not able to find any trace of Beagle (2), the retriever it deported to the surface.This tragic failure has led dog-lovers worldwide to erupt into spontaneous demonstrations questioning the wisdom of sending a dog to Mars in the first place.Many are comparing the European’s Space Agency’s decision to send a Beagle to crash on Mars to the Soviet empire’s heartless decision to sacrifice Laika, bitch and first living creature ever to be launched into space, on the fated Sputnik 2 mission at the outset of the Space Race. (The Russians, by the way, being sexists, chose only female dogs for sacrifice since they didn’t have to “stand and lift their legs to urinate”, thus avoiding the risk of shorting out electronic controls mounted on Sputnik’s walls).


     


      “Didn’t we learn from the tragic loss of Laika?”,one distraught Muscovite protesting outside the Kremlin was heard to remark. 
          Yet not all dog-lovers protesting shared this loss-of-life sentiment. Some small dog-loving factions were actually more distressed over the choice of breed to send to Mars rather than the choice itself: “They were stupid to send a tail-wagging Beagle in the first place,” commented one man.“They should have matched the breed to the planetary conditions more scientifically.Beagles are okay for the littler inmost planets like Mercury and Venus, but I think that a larger-bodied pointer or setter would have been a better match for middling planets like Mars.”


    Okay, so my spoof is hokey!Here’s a better one …by far!

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