November 21, 2001

  • Turkey Terrorism



    Fact: Since 1947, the National Turkey Federation (NTF) has presented the President of the United States with a live turkey and two dressed turkeys in celebration of Thanksgiving.  After the ceremony, the live bird retires to a historical farm to live out the rest of its years.


    Spin: I propose they name the live turkey *Osama* this year and present the President additionally with a very sharp chopping blade and block.


    Fact: Ninety-five percent of Americans surveyed by the National Turkey Federation eat turkey at Thanksgiving. The average weight of turkeys purchased for Thanksgiving is 15 pounds, meaning that approximately 675 million pounds of turkey are consumed in the U.S. each Thanksgiving.


    Spin: If you had just one penny for every pound of turkey Americans consume, you’d be rich!!


    If you had just one penny for every pound of turkey you consume, you’d be poor but full if not fat!!!


    But who are the 5% that don’t eat turkey?  How un-American!  The FBI should profile people who don’t eat turkey as potential Osama-the-turkey sympathizing terrorists.


    Fact: It's estimated that turkeys have 3,500 feathers at maturity. The bulk of turkey feathers are composted or otherwise disposed of; however, some feathers may be used for special purposes.


    Spin: Special purposes include torturing suspected terrorists by tickling them to death with salmonella-laced groin feathers.


    Fact: When Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin sat down to eat their first meal on the moon, their foil food packets contained roasted turkey and all of the trimmings.


    Spin: So who was the first turkey on the moon?  Don’t tell me that historians slipped up and failed to properly credential the critter before consumption!!  This has got to be the most unsung would-be-famous turkey of all—damn thing couldn’t even fly (unlike most other respectable birds) but lands on the moon first!  And to think they called the first lunar lander "the Eagle” !!!


    Fact: The white meat is generally preferred in the U.S. while other countries choose the dark meat.


    Spin: I like just the uncreamed Oreo cookie halves—do you want to lick the middle cream?   I like just the pizza crust, wanna suck up my cheese?


    Fact: In 2000, about 267 million turkeys were raised. We estimate that 45 million of those turkeys were eaten at Thanksgiving, 22 million at Christmas and 19 million at Easter.


    Spin: While we feast at Thanksgiving, the Muslims are fasting for Ramadan.  But our military airborne drops of food to the Afghans do contain turkey—see :we’re trying to seduce them to secular Western ways!  Just another reason for (has-) bin Laden to hate us and another reason to name the presidential turkey *Osama*!


    Fact: Benjamin Franklin, who proposed the turkey as the official United States' bird, was dismayed when the bald eagle was chosen over the turkey. Franklin wrote to his daughter, referring to the eagle's "bad moral character," saying, "I wish the bald eagle had not been chosen as the representative of our country! The turkey is a much more respectable bird, and withal a true original native of America."


    Spin: Franklin obviously had the foresight to realize that bald eagles would become an endangered species and thus protected from hunting and consumption while turkeys would remain prodigiously procreative (fucking each other’s brains out) and thus prime meat!!!  “Respecting” of Ben’s voracious appetite, indeed!!


    Hey, Ben would even had called the first lunar lander "the Turkey" -- *the Turkey has landed* !


    *Facts courtesy of the National Turkey Federation

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