Until two people meet, there are certain things to which they cannot mutually consent.

Although love is not one of them, dying with each other is.

Tonight: the Great American Presidential Rebate
(or why I want my money back already)

1)      It is as closed as Maoist Communist China was to dissent.  Nader anyone?  Hell, I wouldn’t mind getting up there myself and saying a “howdy-do” to all of you.  But No-o-o-o.

2)      It is not  technically a 'debate' at all, but merely a pre-staged presentation of joint unilateral position statements.  Really, it will simply be a bifurcated hearing.  And if each candidate were wearing earplugs it wouldn’t change the presentation a bit.

3)      It will offer no surprises.  Bush will say that although terror is a great danger looming in the world, things are great and getting better: Stay the Course!  Kerry will say that because terror is a great danger looming in the world, things are bad and getting worse: Time for Change!  Money back, please. 

4)      If there were any chance that Bush might say: “I know things suck in Iraq.  Many of our soldiers, including generals in the field, are demoralized by the retrogression.  And I’m to blame.  But I’m going to make it right starting tonight.” or that Kerry might say: “Democrats, and specifically liberals such as I, have lately been BIG Government-BIG Taxation-paternal welfare state enthusiasts stifling genuine individualism as a venerable American trait.  It’s time for change and I will lead my Party and America away from that pitiful legacy starting tonight.  You'll see.  And I promise to try harder myself to be more personable, too” , then I might watch.  Include self-addressed stamped envelope.

5)      #3 and #4 above basically are saying the same thing with different spins.  So will Bush and Kerry.

6)      Some will watch for the same reason that many watch Nascar races or go to air shows: hoping that the ‘other candidate’ crashes and burns.  I hope they both crash and burn.  But the format of the Rebate let’s them fondle themselves with Vaseline.  Coat yourself in enough Vaseline and you won’t burn very easily even if you do crash.  And you definitely won’t get friction burns from short, repetitive piston self-stroking.

7)      There won’t be any instances of product placement and so no intrigue in looking for them.  If Bush were to stand there sipping from a can of Pepsi and Kerry from a can of Coke, then I’d watch to see who would be the first to burp.

8)      At least if they would have some commercial breaks where innovative PR people could amuse us with fresh, Super-Bowl grade comic relief advertisements, I might watch.  Of course, during the Rebate itself I’d be at the fridge snatching up critical snacks.

9)      It will all play better in news stories tomorrow.  And getting the distillation thusly will take much less precious time.

10)  I’m too heterosexually horny to watch grown men play with themselves and self-chuckle as they experience sloppily effusive auto-orgasms in their minds.