December 10, 2002

  • Dealing with Saddam


     


    If I were Bush I’d…


     


    …Covertly have the CIA sell a nuclear bomb to Saddam, have it all on videotape from production to delivery, then say to the world: “We know he has nukes because we sold them to him ourselves .”  Then proceed forthwith despite any objections.


     


    …Sever all presidential ties—ongoing for years—with Billy Grahams’s *Crusade*  Anything *Crusade* fuels fundamentalist rhetoric.  Instead create an official holiday honoring Saladin, the brilliant Islamic poet/warrior/conquerer of Jerusalem.  Make Graham crackers and Salada tea the official snack of Saladin Day.   


    "It is equally true that his (Saladin’s) generosity, his piety, devoid of fanaticism, that flower of liberality and courtesy which had been the model of our old chroniclers, won him no less popularity in Frankish (Christian) Syria than in the lands of Islam"


      --The Epic of the Crusades, Rene Grousse


     


    …Resurrect the notion of Kennedy’s Peace Corps, but dub it the Koran Corps.  Send young, patriotic Americans overseas as grassroot ambassadors of goodwill but first require their conversion to Islam.  Allow these converted  ambassadors to take with them their insatiable hunger for McDonald’s Big Macs, videotapes of the Simpsons and Osbournes, and CD cuts of assorted rock music.  Allow 5 years for the subornning of native Islamic cultures.


     


    …Require Vice President Dick Cheney to move to the middle of Wyoming where the secret, mysterious blasts occurring in his compound on his behalf won’t terrorize neighboring, decent Americans.  Or leave Cheney where he is but require his neighbors to move.  Then re-situate all hostile, foreign Islamic embassies and consulates into that neighborhood so that they will be rattled by the blasts instead.  See: Secret Blasts Rattle Cheney’s Neighbors


     


    …Create an alternative state-counterforce to nationalistic, militaristic, fundamentalist Islam.  Call it  Isn'tlam .  Replace 'the Prophet' with the ideological blatherer,  notforprophet.   Attack Iraq during the holy month of RamSaddam with quotes from Rumi.  Drop free passes to Disney World across the Iraqi countryside along with copies of the dreaded corsobomb. 


     


    …And if none of the above work,  follow the lead of Berkeley, Calif. and mute the saber-rattling *oil issue* by building cars that run solely off of bio-based (soybean) fuel.  amen.

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