November 22, 2002

• This Week's Cataclysm Alert:  Killer Meteorites this week are being downgraded as potential sources for cataclysm, while Black Holes are ascending -->  <-- in the hierarchy of mass universal destruction. 

  
  

   

  
  

  This week alone we have been informed that there are two ‘Super’ black holes on a collision course at the center of our galaxy with the potential to “warp the fabric of space itself” and…and… that there is a vagrant ‘Runaway’ black hole headed directly towards a ravaging of our very own Mr. Rogers-type neighboring space (‘Runaway black hole headed our way’). 

  
  

  

  
  

  I guess since black holes really don’t hit things (except themselves as mentioned above) but rather ‘suck them in,’ that if we escape this ‘runaway’, it will be by a 'near-suck' rather than a 'near-hit'.  My own read on this is that, as the runaway gets closer, not only will civilization fire itself up with the fervor of ‘Last Days’ religiosity, but blow-jobs will become entirely taboo sexual acts for they will be considered black-magically sympathetic, if not actually synergistic, with the ‘Big Suck’.

  
  

   

  
  

  Meanwhile, the threat from ‘Killer Asteroids’

  
  

  

  
  

  has been reduced from ‘wear your hardhat, we're certain’ in the next few years to ‘tell your children to tell their children to kiss their asses goodbye’.  Now that’s a relief!  Of course, this ‘revision’ is based upon an extremely small number of observations in a short span of time that statisticians (such as myself) deem ridiculously unreliable.  But since when has a statistician’s stern admonishments ever stopped a ‘Thank-God-it-will-be-them-and-not-us’ party from erupting?

  
  

   

  
  

  I don’t know about all of you, but this week’s official cataclysmic flip-flopping is just a bit too much for me.  So my recourse and refuge after work today will be to follow the lead of our own drunken Sun (wherein photons bounce around aimlessly for millions of years) and allow the neuron firings in my brain to bounce around in grand aimless solar-emulation in my soon-to-be-drunken bar-hugging head.

  • 1:23 pm
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