202 Things About Me
(only half of which are true)
Of course, I couldn't do the standard *101* list. I like wild expressive colors and that would have been like drawing on the chalkboard with white chalk. Oh...I know what you're thinking! On the other hand, no I don't. 
1. I’ve never killed a man with my bare hands.
2. I’ve never had the urge to do so
3. I witnessed the death of two Popes personally.
4. They both died blissfully
5. I remained a virgin until the age of 25.
6. I had no problem with that
7. I lost my virginity overseas to a goddess from Brazil who was passing through the port of Panama on an unforgettable tropical night.
8. She had huge breasts which mesmerized me
9. I’ve never played golf.
10. I miss never having had the chance
11. I’ve never ridden a horse.
12. I dread the notion of getting saddle-sore
13. I earned an Expert medal in marksmanship the day John Lennon was assassinated.
14. I had nothing to do with his assassination.
15. I hate starting off every sentence with *I*.
16. My favorite music is country
17. My favorite color is black
18. Purposely defying grammar, my periods at the end of sentences always go outside of any “quotation marks” .
19. Never went to or through 4th grade. Skipped it.
20. Never went to 7th grade neither
21. Never graduated from high school (stopped going for the last two weeks, took no tests, never went to graduation, or received a diploma) but was accepted into college.
22. Enjoy Fall season the best
23. Took graduate courses in philosophy my freshman year in college.
24. Have never lost my love for philosophizing
25. Only once had a completely effusive hands-free orgasm (all the way) while fully dressed just at the sight of a fully dressed girl.
26. No, it happened twice
27. Beat a professedly-ranked master in chess once.
28. Played varsity high school football
29. Was the quarterback
30. No idea how much money I’ve wasted in my lifetime. But it’s a lot.
31. Currently have ten functional computers in my house but only use two.
32. But am totally unwilling to part with even one of them
33. Once strolled through a mass of killer bees.
34. Got stung by a poisonous snake and nearly passed out
35. No longer care about being a millionaire
36. Shook hands with a President
37. Was a witness personally to the death of a Panamanian “strongman” .
38. Can read Chinese.
39. Backwards
40. Once made love to a Chinese girl
41. And ate her fortune cookie
42. Have written a computer virus
43. Studied Arabic for 4 quarters in college, got all A’s, but learned little more than the alphabet.
44. Got an autograph from O.J. Simpson
45. Once wrote a love poem in Latin.
46. Know at least 20 curse words in Latin
47. Got straight A’s in graduate school except for a B from one professor who would end up in jail for fraud shortly thereafter.
48. Have met 6 other Xangans in person. Made love to all 15 of them
49. Have a normal heartbeat of 52.
50. That’s the same as my age
51. Have an extra bone in my body
52. Shave my head usually once a year
53. Had my life saved once.
54. Once saved the life of a drowning infant
55. Carried a concealed weapon without a license for a long time.
56. Never used it.
57. But thought often about using it to snuff myself
58. Deadly with a bow/arrows.
59. Never have killed anything with a bow.
60. Have distanced run for exercise at the extreme temperatures of +120 F and -17 F.
61. Can press twice my weight in gold
62. Prefer room-temperature beer.
63. Have ugly knees
64. Prefer everything at room temperature except showers.
65. Am a scientist. Have published 4 refereed scientific papers.
66. Once had a stint as a standup comedian
67. Am a wallpaperer of masterful accomplishment.
68. Have built my own deck
69. Am a graduate school professor.
70. Slap students silly who fuck with me
71. Always carry a condom
72. Had an affair with a student whose fiancé committed suicide
73. Once held a position with the title of “Economic Analyst II”.
74. Once passed along some counterfeit money that I realized had been passed to me
75. As a kid, stole books from the public library
76. Never get a headache. Haven’t had one, outside of a couple hangovers, for twenty years.
77. Haven’t vomited for longer than that.
78. Am fascinated with middle names
79. Once shot a cat in the head (mercy killing).
80. Once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
81. He died good
82. Ever paid for sex? Wait…that’s a question.
83. Fasted once for about a week.
84. Thought about sex the whole time
85. Constantly think about sex even now
86. Love to eat out at restaurants by myself
87. Cannot resist chocolate
88. Didn’t speak a word once for about 4 days. Not even to myself. Was not even thinking in words at the time.
89. Once pretended I was blind to get in free to a movie theatre
90. Once had several hundreds of plants in my house which I spent hours watering everyday.
91. At least one of the plants was marijuana
92. Like to collect and eat wild edible mushrooms
93. Have included a secret code in this list to allow you to determine what’s true from what’s not.
94. Am addicted to xanga
95. Love fencing with a foil.
96. Once got stabbed in the back
97. Grabbed the knife and bored the punk a new asshole
98. Once thought I had discovered the secret to perpetual motion.
99. But abandoned the notion when I realized that I couldn’t masturbate forever
100. Pondered the true meaning of *Infinity* at the age of four.
101. But failed to formulate it into words
102. Had daily visits from flying saucers while a youngster, but they stopped.
103. Never have seen one since
104. I can tell if a woman is telling the truth by looking into her eyes
105. Was caught once carrying a concealed weapon. It was not confiscated nor was I arrested.
106. Have never been in the news.
107. Have never done anything newsworthy
108. But would love the publicity
109. Once slapped a girl I didn’t know on her ass. Hard.
110. Didn’t get slapped back.
111. Apologized
112. Next to Chinese characters, love the Russian alphabet next best.
113. Had a fully functional knowledge of unconventional weapons and tactics (guerrilla warfare, evasion and escape, incendiaries, etc.) at the age of 15.
114. Can recognize most of the constellations in the sky.
115. Know many of the star names in each of the constellations.
116. Always know where the planets are in the sky
117. Was once a weatherman.
118. Forecasted a hurricane
119. Chased a tornado
120. But hate to get surprised by a storm
121. Once found a serious liturgical error in a Catholic book that had been granted a Nihil Obstat and Imprimatur (Papal assurance of error-free doctrine).
122. Sometimes pretend to know kung fu.
123. Was a Reagan backer when most Republicans still considered him an undesirable fringe *Conservative*.
124. Was a *Conservative* myself when it was a dirty word. Ceased to be one as soon as it became acceptably mainstream.
125. Was allowed to enlist in the Armed Forces even though I signed a statement admitting that I had used illegal narcotics.
126. Have been arrested but never charged with a crime.
127. At times can invoke an eidetic (photographic) memory.
128. Haven’t been in a fistfight since grade school, even though I’ve faced up to the potential challenge at least 30 times.
129. Learned once to play one song on a guitar. Drove my neighbors nuts with that one song all summer long.
130. Have recently lost weight.
131. Take no interest at all in pornography but love to see nekkid girls.
132. Would not be too shocked if one or two of the Laws of Nature failed.
133. Am psychic, but not *a Psychic*.
134. Have an extremely high tolerance for pain.
135. Truly enjoy the smell of skunk if not too strong.
136. Enjoy the smell of ammonia beyond the point of tears.
137. Never sniffed glue.
138. But tasted it
139. Always strive to be first in everything
140. Won a photo contest—first prize.
141. Have no problem inventorizing words.
142. Once could dunk a basketball even though only 6 feet tall.
143. Can punt a football 50 yards
144. Never had a homosexual experience. Never even contemplated one.
145. Never was even offered the opportunity
146. Once splashed acid in my eyes and had to wash it out for half an hour.
147. Once proposed marriage to a girl who took immediate offense and ended our sexual relationship on the spot.
148. Love to gamble
149. Once lost a big wad of money gambling
150. Have no tattoos. Deplore jewelry. Never wear a watch.
151. Considered by a porn star as her fetish *foot boy*.
152. Love beautiful female feet.
153. Love just the right type of fuzz on female forearms too.
154. Always look to see how physically powerful a girl appears to be.
155. In my mind, the bigger the tits, the better
156. Often found overdosing on cheddar cheese and wine
157. Love talking on the telephone
158. Often prefer chatting online to blogging
159. Have never read more than one book in a day
160. Have never bought a book without the intention of reading or gifting it
161. Will oftentimes read in bed
162. Cheated at least once on a college exam
163. Am a huge sports fan
164. Find pure mathematics fascinating
165. Am constantly enchanted with probability theory and the use of statistics
166. Have blogged under four other xanga identities. None too recently.
167. Favorite wild animal is the wolf. Favorite domestic animal is the kitty.
168. Once had a pet ant farm
169. Favorite bird is the Bluejay
170. Know how to kill a Pit Bull or Bull Mastif, if necessary, with my bare hands.
171. Still play in puddles all the time
172. But seldom get wet
173. Prefer the genre of suspense when reading
174. Once hid in a tree from the cops. Was up there with another friend drinking beer.
175. We were not laughing our asses off while they were cruising around down below on the ground
176. Once published my own book of poetry which scandalized a Catholic girl’s high school.
177. Apologized for it
178. Never dated or went to a dance in high school. Read books all the time.
179. Read all of Shakespeare’s plays
180. Was fascinated as a child with anything scientific.
181. Built my own reflector telescope
182. Had a speaking vocabulary as a 12-year-old far in excess of any adult I personally knew.
183. Am a honey connoisseur
184. Prefer tea over coffee
185. Could survive just collecting and eating wild edible plants and insects.
186. Once booked and took a day-trip by plane simply to meet a quite amazing online friend (xangaroo, no less).
187. Never ever loose my sense of direction.
188. Always know where I’m going
189. I often have trouble pissing in public
190. Never had sex in a girl’s restroom
191. Was harassed today by a woman at work.
192. It felt good
193. Was once charged in the workplace with sexual harassment (I was truly innocent—she seduced me) but was only slapped on the hands.
194. I still love that woman
195. Was once savagely attacked while a kid by a man because I was playing *war* with friends in a Nazi uniform (I was *the enemy*) and the man had psychotic flashbacks to the German concentration camp he had been tortured in.
196. Can perform several magic tricks
197. Card tricks are my favorite
198. Just love to play poker
199. Paid cash for my first motorcycle and rode it home without a license and without ever having ridden on a motorcycle before.
200. Parachuted out of the first plane I ever rode on
201. Am allergic to bee bites
202. I know how to end this list. Amen.
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