October 29, 2001

  • The following story is true.  Some names have been changed to implicate the possible:


    Here's an example of how dangerously crazy life has become in the bunkers of this war. The (pick one: Arkansas Department of Correction or Supreme Court) installs a scanning device that's sensitive enough to detect traces of (pick one: drugs or biohazards) on the hands of anyone trying to enter a facility. The only problem with it, officials explain, is that almost anyone who has handled a dollar bill has picked up traces of (pick one: cocaine, anthrax, smallpox, plague) so pervasively has the powder dusted our currency.


    Then we read in this week's news of the couple in Dallas who found $300,000 on the freeway and turned it in to police. Even though no one has claimed the money, police now say, it will not be returned to the finders because agents of the (pick one: federal Drug Enforcement Administration or the FBI) found traces of (pick one: cocaine, anthrax, smallpox, plague) on it, declared the money (pick one: drug or terrorist) proceeds, and confiscated it. By that logic, one could imagine the (pick one: DEA or FBI) going into any retail store in America, opening the cash drawer and confiscating its contents. Or what about banks? What about the money in your pocket? It's tainted with traces of (pick one: cocaine, anthrax, smallpox, plague). You can just about count on it. And so is most of the money that flows around Washington.


    So what are we going to do? Confiscate every dollar and lock up every American who still occasionally uses cash? Don't laugh. The extremes to which we have already gone would have shocked us 20 years ago.


    For the true story, if you haven't already guessed, check: here.


    By the way, my "intelligence sources" have informed me that the Secret Service has already looked into the threat of using paper currency as a transport vehicle for anthrax.  They believe the risk of harm from such attempts would be low since anthrax spores don't "stick" to paper, but would readily shake or blow off a dropped dollar bill.  But when I asked about using a thin surface adhesive or agar (culture medium) on the surface of a bill, no immediate answer was forthcoming.  Also no immediate answer on the transport threat of plague or smallpox via paper currency. 


    I was told that my additional concerns would be forwarded to the Secret Service and that any response would be shared with me.  We'll see.

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